When do I have to get up today? Oh yeah it’s Sunday. Ahhhh. Ugh I’m thirsty. Oh shit. I drank four beers last night. Oh my god. Jesus Michelle. Beer? Four beers? How could you do that? Gwyneth’s going to be so pissed.
My “I can’t believe I did that last night” morning shame-a-thons are pleasantly rare since I settled into blissful domestic partnership five years ago. Still, I felt really guilty. I figured skipping my breakfast blueberry smoothie completely reversed the delicious beer damages of last night. That makes sense right? Right. So, back on track.
I went to a beginners yoga class this morning. It was pretty great. The best part might have been the instructor’s tie-dyed spandex pants. Yoga seems like something new-agers and hippies could have it common, so I guess the pants make sense. I learned to downward dog. I’ll be back. Good call, Gwyneth.
I picked up a piece of salmon for lunch at the fancy prepared foods deli on the way home from the gym.
I had a hair in it. A blond one. Yuck. I still ate it.
The salmon kept me nice and satisfied until dinnertime. The menu called for Detox Chicken, the same thing I accidentally marinated in balsamic vinaigrette on day two. I had a chicken breast but it was in the freezer. It was frozen it there. Oops. Should have thought about that. Back on day two I grilled two pieces of chicken with the idea that my boyfriend would eat the other one. He politely declined and it had been sitting in my refrigerator ever since. I called my mom. Was it safe to eat? She said yes. It sure didn’t look appetizing.
I ate it cold. I think I’m reaching the end of my GOOP rope. Good thing I only have to suffer through one more day.
There’s part in Kathy Griffin’s stand up special Allegedly where she lays into Gwyneth Paltrow for being a condescending ”big bag of bullshit.” She goes onto describe Gwyneth’s annoying lack of self-awareness during the promotional tour of Shallow Hal and their awkward encounter on the red carpet:
Of course she’s humorless, SHE’S STARVING! My crabbiness is manifesting a little more like Chris Farley: