freckle juicer

At least I felt normal the first two days.

Day three’s breakfast description was surprisingly vague.  ”Oatmeal.”  OK.  Gwyneth didn’t say it couldn’t be the Quaker Instant Oatmeal that I’ve had in my cabinet forever and may or may not be expired I forgot to look so oh well it was good and I even had two envelopes mixed with non filtered water so suck it.

It was warm and familiar.  Turns out the generous portion didn’t do me any favors.  I was really hungry by 10:30am.  The stomach pangs kind of came and went during the morning, but the exhaustion never went away.  I was so tired.  There might have been obnoxious yawning, dropping things that can’t be used once they’ve been on the ground, bumping into doors and walls, and overall grouchiness.  My broccoli soup lunch filled me up (relatively speaking of course, it’s no Chipotle), but never gave me any energy.  At least I didn’t barf it down someone else’s sink this time.

I was looking forward to my afternoon juice “snack.”  I’ve heard from infomercials that juicing is a great source of energy.  Good!  I needed energy!  My $15.99 non-dishwasher safe blender from Walgreens was the biggest equipment investment I was willing to make so The Jack La-Lane Power Juicer was definitely out of the question.  Google let me in on a little secret: there’s a juice bar in the food court on the second floor of Macys.  (Marshall Fields R.I.P.)  Wait, there’s a food court in the middle of Macys?  There’s a food court in the middle of Macys!  The long line gave me the chance to mull my size options.  The small would probably be more GOOP friendly, but the large was only $.50 more.  I ordered the large.

Whoa.  Large is right.  This sucker is 1 and a half apples, 1 beet, and 5 carrots.  It was missing something, not taste like most other GOOP meals, but ice.  Ice would have made it enjoyable.  I drank 2/3rds of it before I heard Gwyneth’s voice in my head.  ”You’ve had enough fatass.”  What a bitch.  I ditched the rest and headed for the gym.

This is now the second day in a row I’ve gone to the gym without working out.  This trip was for the steam room, which Gwyneth promises will rid my skin of toxins.  Boy, it’s hot in there.  I remembered I didn’t take off my mascara just as the first black sweat drop hit my nice white towel.  Oops.  I lasted about 10 minutes before I got too hot and too sweaty and too thirsty.  I hope all those nasty toxins are out of me so I don’t have to pee them out during the night.

I went home and had a bowl of miso soup, sans watercress.  I’m hoping to fall asleep before the hunger starts up again.  Tomorrow morning will be my first attempt at real exercise since I’ve been GOOPing.  I usually have a hard time surviving pilates when I’m fully nourished, so we will see.

Love,